The recent days have seen a lot of political turmoil in our neighbouring state. Given the fact that there has been no single Government in Pakistan which has completed its complete term in office before being hit by a war, or a coup or a revolt or an assasination- this does seem to be a normal case. What is interesting this time is that the Pakistani Prime Minister pre-empted this situation and tried to seek help from America.
After the in-public humiliation that Pakistan had to face after the Osamabad incident, the Pakistani Premier Gilani was afraid of an internal takeover by the all-powerful Pakistani army regime. To prevent this, Gilani wrote a very private personal letter to Barack Obama asking for an intervention- should something like this happens. Though the letter has not become public yet, we have managed to get some insider information on it's contents. Presenting a salient summary of the important points covered by Gilani in his desperate letter to Obama.
Dear Barack HUSSAIN Obama,
Please note with specific interest in highlighting your middle name to generate some additional sympathy towards my humble self seeking assistance from the US Army.
Given the hide and seek games that you played with me some months ago when your troops came in and killed Osama Bin Laden - I strongly objected to this (I had would end all problems in our worlds and leave me job and penny less), you still went ahead and killed him. I do not blame you for that - before your ratings went any further down than the Pakistani economy- you had to do something to win back public favour!!!
Now that I agreed on that mission, you will be aware of the kind of humiliation we as a nation had to face. Now, this has snow balled into something that has always been a norm in Pakistan - the Army Chief Ashfaq Parvez Kayani is planning a military takeover. I believe that the main reason for this is that his visa for UK was rejected. This is one sure shot route to make a quick buck and then move to the UK and write a book and make another quick buck.
I approached Gordon Brown before I took up the pen to pen this letter. Brown was quite apprehensive in giving me a safe asylum in the UK. His argument was - from rogue Pakistani cricketers to ex prime ministers to ex cricketers to ex Military Chiefs- all of them have gone and settled down in the UK. This is causing some embarassing scenarios for UK's image globally. Hence he politely refused. As a good will gesture, he suggested that I could also approach the Saudi Royal Family to request them to take me as their official guest (like what they did for Nawaz Sharief) but sir, you know that I enjoy a good life and Saudi state is a bit conservative when it comes to my kind of high spirited individuals.
I also tried to seek assistance from Dubai. One of our esteemed citizens Mr. Ibrahim gave me some references to seek help. The Shaikh of Dubai, though very gentle and understanding- refused my request stating that the only hotel (Al Burj) where he was planning to put me up has been rented out to Excel Entertainment for their next venture Don 3. I am eagerly waiting to see King Khan jump off Al Burj to save Priyanka!!!!!
Another fear that has been slowly overshadowing my being is the threat from India. I am not sure if you are aware of these facts but India is currently refining a deadly bomb which can be used to corrupt and destroy our Pak culture. The bomb is Veena Malik. The war that India is going to launch against us is a war of a different kind. It will not be fought on grounds or glaciers but via channels and page 3 quotes. Veena Malik has initiated some preliminary attacks after her outburst at some of our over conservative religious Clerics.
It should be a matter of concern to you as well as two of your country's assets are also being sampled for this new media led warfare - Pamela Anderson and Oprah. While Pamela goes Dhak Dhak, Indian channels are making buck buck. Last I heard on this was - Oprah is being tested out in combination with another lethal indigenous weapon that India possesses - Rakhi Sawant. This lethal combination can wipe out the collective viewer mindset of both our countries.
Coming back to Kayani, I humbly beseech upon your kind consideration and judgement to allow me to come to the US and stay there as an asylum seeker. I will be self sutstaining as I will come with significant cash and resources. I will lead a new life in your country as a law abiding citizen. I will open a bakery chain and will aptly name it - Kayani Biscuits. I will avenge for what is being done to me by selling Kayanis each day!!!!
Whoever it was, but said it very correctly - revenge is best tasted sweet!!!!
